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NEWS: Recent comments by Ofsted that the maths exam is ‘too easy’ has been greeted with cries of ‘but that’s what you f*cking asked us to do’ by most major stakeholders in England and Wales. Additionally, the DfE rottweiler has accused schools of teaching to the exam and gaming the A*-C figures by entering candidates too early. Tired, confused teachers have responded with various degrees of, ‘But….we only get paid if the results constantly increase like an enormous soufflé predicated on infinite expansion. Help, we don’t understand what you want.’
‘Yes, said one maths teacher. Tell us what you want. We’ll do it. Please don’t hurt us. Take my last testicle. I don’t need it any more.’
The Daily Guru has received an advance copy of this year’s GCSE exam, criticised by many as being too obsessed with relevance and engagement with the children’s context than assessing functional maths skills. See for yourself:
Aspirational social class:
1. If Kelis’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and assuming the combined mass of all the boys is equivalent to 1.13 X 10^5 kg and the length of the yard is exactly three times the width of the yard in a right angled rectangle, then calculate:
a) How much would you have to charge?
b) Is it > yours?
2. If the value of Billy Jean ≠ my lover, then does n tend to 1 where n is equivalent to just a girl?
3. In the shape to the left, is the area of the red triangle closest in value to:
a) It takes a nation of millions
b) Nuthin’ but a G thang
c) 50 cent
d) FUCK THA POLIS
4. Baby got back. Is Sir Mix-a-Lot:
c) Down to get some friction on?
5. ‘My anaconda don’t want ________ unless you got buns, hun.’ Is the missing value:
c) Sir Michael Wilshaw
6. Lady Gaga has lost her telephone. How bad IS her romance, to the nearest three places?
a) Ra ra, ah ah ah
b) Roma, ro ro ma
c) Ga ga ooh lala
7. What’s six inches and goes in One Direction?
8. Simon Cowell, the legendary lady-killer and playboy is having a party where Sinitta, Cheryl Cole, and Amanda Holden will be strangling kittens for his amusement in order to gain the Dark Lord’s favour. You have been invited. Calculate
a) how far you would have to jump in order to be assured of a quick death.
b) the diameter of Sinitta’s Adam’s Apple.
9. Calculate the X-Factor.
10. Will-I-am is twice as dope as Jessie J, who is a sixteenth as dope as Tom Jones. Danny = a dope. What is the smallest number of duets Tom Jones must have performed with Elvis before Danny gets a kick in the tits?
11. Extension: Sean Paul wants to get busy. Using the following terms, does he want to get busy with Miss Jodi or Miss Rebecca, or all of them at once in an unhygienic daisy chain of wicked, libidinous foam?
Girl get busy, just shake that booty non-stop
When the beat drops
Just keep swinging it
Get crunked up
Percolate anything you want to call it
Oscillate you hip and don’t take pity
Me want fi see you get live upon the riddim when me ride
Show your workings. No credit will be given for unjustified answers.
Please indicate your preferred grade here (note: candidates who leave this blank will only receive a C):
In a formal announcement today, the Grand Inquisitor or Her Majesty’s Inspectorate revealed plans for ‘surprise trials’ for all baptised Christians of Spanish origin and any school covered by the Education Act, 1988. Miriam Rosen, the interim Inquisitor said that this would end the current practise of schools concealing heretical activities and breaches of Department orthodoxy.
|Students can now trigger Inquisitions.|
‘The catechisms of best practise are there for a reason,’ said Ms Rosen, standing in for Tomas de Torquemada, the previous Head. ‘Mainly so that we know who to burn at the stake and who not to.’
Answering allegations that the dawn raids implied that schools had something to hide, Ms Rosen was characteristically unrepentant:
‘Of course it doesn’t. The innocent, pious mainstream majority have nothing to fear. But anyone attempting to conceal any one of the seven deadly sins with the illusion of good data management…well, let’s just say that the auto-da-fé is just one of the many options we have; also, notices of special measures, but mainly auto-da-fé .’
‘By testing out unannounced monitoring visits, we will see if there is even more we can do to help schools address behaviour problems: for example, immolation. Teachers will be encouraged to confess their sins, before being taken in procession through the town, until they reach the quemadero, or burning place. At that point they find out if they were graded satisfactory, good, outstanding, or damned forever in the fire that gives no light.
In an article in today’s Witchfinder Times, it was reported that there were rumours that Michael Wilshaw, Head of Mossbourne Monastery in London’s deprived diocese of Hackney, would step into the Grand Inquisitor role.
‘We will have three weapons in the battle to reclaim schools as educational spaces,’ he said recently. ‘Consistency, uniform, discipline and clear leadership.’
Brian Mendicant, a teacher who asked not be named, said last night, ‘I wasn’t expecting this.’
Teachers filled the streets last night in tearful thousands as the news was announced that teacher standards would be include ‘tolerance’ and ‘respect.’
|More of this, apparently.|
‘Thank God, thank GOD,’ said one jubilant teacher, ‘This is what we finally needed after all the years in the wilderness. Now I know that I am supposed to both demonstrate and encourage basic manners and civility. Previously I wasn’t sure if I could swear at them, or call them little sh*ts, but now it feels like the scales have fallen from my eyes. Hallelujah! Can I kiss you?’
The New Standards were launced in response to criticisms that the old standards were old, ambiguous and vague.
‘These will be new, ambiguous and vague,’ one government spokesman assured us. ‘For example, teachers will be required to uphold British values. Do you know what that means? No, me neither. It might mean getting flustered in a queue when someone doesn’t have the right change. Or then again, it might mean marching into someone else’s country and strip mining it. See? Something for everyone.’
He added, ‘Teachers should make sure their personal beliefs “are not expressed in ways which exploit pupils’ vulnerability”.’ This finally clarifies the position that teachers must take if they, for example, feel tempted to tell small children that stealing is wrong, or that peeing in someone else’s shoe might be a bad thing. Clearly, the child must decide for himself if such matters are right or wrong- top-down, prescriptive brain washing must be seen as directly contravening their rights as guaranteed by the Geneva Convention.’
‘You are extremely welcome,’ he said, before leaving for an Idea-Shower to rewrite the American Constitution in Trustafarian patois, and updating Delia Smith’s instructions on how to boil an egg.