|Circuses: ‘not ideal for raising academic aspiration,’ apparently.|
Bedlam descended on the world of education as teachers reacted to the shock findings of recent research, which claimed that, among other things, children who came from families that take drugs, have no money, or don’t value education, have less chance in school than others.
‘I don’t know what’s real any more,’ wept one teacher who asked not to be named. ‘Previously I had thought that kids raised in crack dens with two absentee parents and a day job scraping rust from the underside of moving trains were my best bet in the GCSE sweepstake. Now nothing makes sense and I don’t know if I should be teaching them about chromosomes or hitting them with a shovel.’
‘Make the madness stop,’ he added.
Researchers at the Faculty of Research and Facts were adamant that this information would revolutionise how we understand the link between ‘having a hard life’ and ‘not finding things easy’. ‘This shows once and for all that children who have hard lives often continue to have hard lives, flying in the face of the common sense opinion that they will eventually find a magic lamp with a genie inside it. Now that theory can be well and truly put to rest.’
Faced with claims that this research was just what everyone already thought, the Spokesman was defiant. ‘This is completely untrue. Now it’s in a list.’
Teaching Unions saluted the findings. ‘Now that we’ve discovered the Holy Grail of understanding ‘difficult’ we can take this data and really start to make a difference,’ he said.
In other news: People who earn less money ‘are poorer than people who earn more.’