|‘I’ll be giving it all away in a minute.’|
A leading Oxford academic has claimed that if children want to make a moral difference, they should ‘become bankers,’ despite increasing levels of evidence from banking, Planet Earth and everywhere else that this might not be the case.
‘It’s simple,’ claims Will Crunch, described as an ethicist. ‘If kids really want to make a difference, they should go into banking, make lots of money, and then do good things with it. See? Piece of piss. Much better than all that charity bullshit, hanging about on corners wailing about Pandas and cancer.’
Asked if the prospect of people going into banking with the sole intention of making, then giving money away, wasn’t approaching an overly-optimistic view of human nature, Mr Crunch was defiant. ‘Not at all. Next thing you’ll be saying that people who go into an industry with no other terminal goal than the accumulation of profit, are intrinsically evil. Nothing could be further from the truth. Philanthropy comes naturally to these people. Look at all that good work BP does with the environment- even their logo is a flower or something now.’
Leading figures from the banking industry were cautious about Mr Crunch’s findings. ‘Of course, we welcome recruitment from the child sector. Banking requires millions of souls to feed our ravenous appetite for cruelty, waste and injustice- sorry, the needs of a flexible, free market. Only next week we plan to invest in Playbunny pyjamas for five year olds, and missile development in the third world, then sell it all when something else looks profitable, like sorrow or despair. Can we invest in those?’
|‘Is that my broker? Yeah, sell it all and give it to charity.’|
‘This is terrific news,’ said Great Cthulhu, dark Lord of the realm of bleeding eyes. ‘And it shows once again how academics can make the leap between theory and the real world. Bankers. Giving money away. Brilliant,’ he said, laughing with five of his awful mouths.
The careers advisory service has yet to release a statement, although one spokeperson offered this comment: ‘Have you thought about working in an office?’ he said helpfully. Adam Smith, long regarded as one of the ideological forefathers of capitalism added his view that, ‘Where there is man, so there is one indomitable factor: competition.’ Then he added, ‘And then they usually give it all away, ’cause we’re like that.’